We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
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she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
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we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.