A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.