I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.