I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
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Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
21 Texts That Prove All the Magic Happens in Parking Lots
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.