The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
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I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
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he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.