it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
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Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
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I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition