Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.