I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"