I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?