You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
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It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
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I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME