Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.