His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
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I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
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What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.