When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
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Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
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You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke