I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.