I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
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It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
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We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.