I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
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the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
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the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet