i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
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Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
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We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\