Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
