he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight