He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?