Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I have poison ivy on my dick
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.