he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier