I just blew my weed a kiss
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
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he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
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YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.