I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
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I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just pee around me
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
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Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.