I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
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Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just pee around me
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
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If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point