thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"