He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just pee around me
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room