I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.