I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.