You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.