Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
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Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
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Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.