your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on