The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
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I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
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Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants