i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.