I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.