Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.