This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
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my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
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can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.