Last Night in United Kingdom (+44)

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"

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  You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.

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  Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.

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  Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles

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  you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

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  swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.

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  just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

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  before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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  The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.

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  I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.

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  i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night

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• (+44): View more from England

  You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.

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  he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window

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• (+44): View more from England

  mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.

  (+44): View more from England

  "and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"

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