I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
No idea. I blame fireball.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.