i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.