Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?