I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
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there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
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Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done