I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
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The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
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You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.