where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.