Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
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Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
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She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?