I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
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Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
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Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.