Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34