Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
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I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
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Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.