The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.