She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.