I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time