You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch