No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?