I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.