Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.