I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.