There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
25 Times Terrible Advice Was Given To A Teenager
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.