She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
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she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
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Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.