Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
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I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
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well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal