Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
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Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
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Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.