just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
please come you make the beer taste better
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
im six kinds of drunk right now