I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
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There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
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We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever