It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
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This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
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My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.