Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
