it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
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so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
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just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour