mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
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so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.