just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
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He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
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i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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