Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.