Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"