at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.