Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
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Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
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Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.